I’m more of a beer guy. What exactly is a melancholy wine?
Any red wine combined with The National at a late hour. Lugubrious, woeful. Worthy of Bette Davis and a Martini.
That’s fine, I won’t press you for any other information regarding that. I’m aware that he’s an intelligent man, and I’m definitely not trying to insult him in any way. I think that you are worthy of being with someone, you just have to find the perfect match, and he is most certainly out there for you. You’re allowed to make mistakes in relationships, it’s how you make it through those, and if you can work through those, that matters. I’ll be there to be a friend, love, you know I will.
The heart of it resides with the fact that I felt uncomfortable and unhappy with the relationship. I know Axel well enough to know that he wouldn’t want to waste his time with someone who was not sure. It doesn’t matter now, I wanted time but I think time has been called. I don’t care. I don’t. I just want Axel to move on, be happy and take care of himself and I can go back to being deficient and alone.
I was enough of one to get my parents to hate me. I don’t get you. You say I’m these things,but also accuse me of being anything but those things. Of course it is my fault. You pretty much told me earlier that it was. I’m not letting anyone down… this is what is expected of me.
To me, this last week, the last two weeks you have been something or someone else. I know it has been hard but I can’t… I can’t keep up with your manic swings when I’m less than okay myself. I’m not… I’m not going to argue further. I don’t want to argue with you, I just want you to be safe. Please don’t drink and if you must, don’t drink alone. Be safe.
I didn’t need you to be more. I loved you no matter your problems.
Hey, I get it. I’m a fuck up. Always have been and everyone knows it. I’ll get out of your hair.
I have never believed nor said, nor ever will say that you are a fuck up. I will say it one last time. You are intelligent. Caring. Loyal. Witty. Generous. Passionate. I will not stop thinking of you that way. I know you will take this as your own fault no matter how much I say it isn’t. The only person who matters that thinks you are a fuck up Axel, is you. So many people here love and believe in you. Don’t let them down.
I’m too playful, too angry, too stupid. A big fuck you too Rosie. You are an idiot for not seeing how much I loved you, something you couldn’t return. Love is a sham and I realize that now. Thanks for opening my eyes. I’m ready to move on because you felt that way from the beginning. I have had this happen before. Sorry if I move on too fast, but it’s a pattern. There is no use taking a break. Call it what it is. Don’t give me false hope again.
Axel, I told you when we first me that I am a wreck of a woman who chooses to be alone. The very first time we spoke. I tried to be more for you because I adored you so much but I just can’t be other than what I am. I like my privacy, I like my quiet nerdy life, I like my shitty little apartment with my ratty cat. You came along and burst all of that open and I wanted so much to make it work but your accident set… set triggers off in me and I just shouldn’t be with people Axel. I am messed up. I tried to be what you wanted, I tried. I was so happy in Scotland, it was something else but we came home and everything fell apart. You started reblogging women’s pictures with comments that made me uncomfortable, you were so happy and excited and I just… I just could reach that high with you. Then your anger… I just couldn’t bare it. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
What am I supposed to think?
We get home and you leave me over that? A mistake? Why? That mistake completely destroys everything we’ve been through? Makes me disgusting to you? I wouldn’t do that to you.
You didn’t view it as a mistake Axel. I tried to talk about it with you and you were stubborn and rude, insisting you were right. I tried to tell you that I felt like I didn’t know you since we have been home but you didn’t listen, just demanding whether to know if we’re over or not. You are not disgusting to me, but this man who lashes out at people who are well meaning, who forgets himself and flies into a rage, who so readily gives up everything he has worked so hard for, I don’t know this man. I am… I have always been a private person, lately I have felt stripped bare by your openness with others, your playful side seems to be in hyperdrive and I don’t know how to react to it. I only said I wanted some time, and now I see you have told everyone that we’re over. That all you want to do is drink and fuck. If you can so readily move on, forget it all, then we are right to be where we are now.
I need to know… did you like me at all? Or was it just the cars, the books I’d buy for you, the free trips?
Axel how can you ask me that? It wasn’t your cars I slept against at night, it wasn’t the books I cried over for hours, it wasn’t the free trip that I laid awake at night counting the freckles on. You know those things are not what matters to me.